A Getaway

I’ve been reading my old diary -the one I wrote when I was working in Jakarta- in the last few days. It’s quite amusing since I’ve forgotten some of the details, good and bad, I had at that time. I also laughed at myself when I realized how I’d tried to write something in English. Well, I must do the same thing some time in the future when I read what I’ve written here.

But I cannot believe that I was rambling on about the same thing through each and every page. Most of the time!! And I got 3 thin books!! Even the words I used in various occasions are similar, if not exactly the same. How boring!! I didn’t realize it when I was there, how silly (or "gullible", borrowing someone’s term) I had been… how annoying I may have been…etc. etc. Yet I guess it’s good that I read all those stuffs before I go back for good. That way I know the differences, the changes in me and the changes I should go for.

Btw, when it comes to something bad…and you know that it’s likely to happen someday anyway… do you think it’s better to get it earlier? So that it protects you from building up a false hope? Which one is more discouraging, to know it NOW, or later… after you’ve given a chance to do this and that? I guess there will never be a good time for a bad news.

My mom already booked the ticket for her and my sis. A return one. Meaninggg…it has a fixed, certain date on it. Meaninggg… I can start to count down my stay here in terms of DAYS. I don’t have to use the rough figure in terms of MONTHS anymore, the good thing is. Hiks… I don’t wanna think about it. That’s what I’ve been telling myself to. It’s not that I don’t wanna go back, it’s just that I’m scared of the idea of having to go back for good. Everything must have change in 2 years. And many things, I believe, won’t be as good as the way I can think of while I’m still here. Sometimes, well…often enough, things look good because it’s far enough from us to see, to feel, to acquire, to have… And I guess, by being here, I’m running away from stuffs and I’m justified to do that because I’m studying. There’s nothing bad with studying, rite?

I was surprised, but not shocked, to hear what I heard about this guy today. I cannot believe he can be such a jerk. Well, I do believe that many guys, if not almost all, are like that in many different ways. And I also do believe that too many women are buying into such crap. But, is he trying to be a womanizer? If that’s the case, from a scale of 0 to 10, he’s only got 1. Sure he needs to learn hard from "the guru" =) Sometimes I wonder ya, is there a guy out there who’s smart and fun enough to make a woman laugh but sincere enough to not make her weep? And sometimes I’m amazed to find that some couples do contact each other every second minute or so. May be I forget about how people should pacaran. But do you still have things to say every second minute? And is there a guy who bears to do that? If there is, then my next question will be…for how long he can stand doing that? Am I being cynical here, or am I just being independent? Moreover…about a woman being independent… I haven’t come into conclusion how guys think about a woman who’s independent. Some guys said that they feel they’re not useful when a woman, his woman, being too independent. Some guys prefer his woman to be independent, at least not clingy, as it makes more sense in this fast-moving hectic world. And some guys even give more score to independent women, implicitly noting than women in power are more attractive.

Talking about buying into guys’ talks…Well, I might have just done that. And to me, I can’t think of many names who are able to do that at the moment. May be it’s more a gift than a skill that to be a womanizer. I mean, I know many guys, if not all, are able to say nice things, sweet lovely stuffs to gals. But how many are there who are able to utter it also in a sophisticated way? Btw, are there "manizers" too? Or we just don’t name them like that?

I’ve been always wondering whether coffee, or caffeine in general, can really generate extra energy in our body. Or is what coffee does simply extracting in advance the energy that hasn’t actually been produced in our body? Which is…in other words…"short-selling" our future energy? I guess that must be somewhat true. When things get crazier and the caffeine in my blood is inevitably brought to a higher level, I always feel extremely tired and powerless when I get up in the morning (as if it were still a morning, he he), no matter how long I’ve been sleeping. So what if I’ve already used up the energy from next week’s, or next month’s, production schedule? How can I increase the production capacity?

when?
When do people actually start looking for a job ya? A year before the graduation day? During their last semester? After graduating from uni? Well, big companies here do save their presence from extinction by hiring STUDENTS, despite that these STUDENTS still have one more year to go before officially being "free". That way, they’re securing whom they currently see as potential great leaders. That’s completely making sense, I guess…because if they reckon that these STUDENTS are so damn…great, they won’t (and shouldn’t) fail their last 8 (at least) subjects, rite?  Whereas in Indo, I know that some big companies simply do not have any policy re processing applications while the applicants are still somewhere outside Indo, not to mention if they are still studying. Okay… life’s hard… full of competition… first comes, first served… and some people are just very lucky (if I may say so) that they seem to get so many great things with minimum efforts.

first vs. second
Do you believe in love at first sight? Do you believe that there’s a second chance? My answer is yes, and yes. But if the first is true, which I have no doubt about, shouldn’t it eliminate the latter? Ermmm…may be not. I’m more than grateful to have been given that second chance for many times. Two times that I clearly remember. I thought Aug 2004 would be the last time I used my swipe card at the office. Yet I had a second chance to "finish" the unfinished when I was back to work in the last 2 months before I got here. I thought I’d already missed the chance to experience the school life abroad (as in the movie!! :p) and do things differently when I was turning 21 and graduated from uni. Yet I’m here, despite that I’m still complaining about assignments and exams and uneasiness even in weekends. Last month I was kinda trying my "luck". I was asking God and myself whether I would have a second chance to stay here for another year. And the answer is "No", well, at least for the near term. Hundreds of theories to explain that, but perhaps the most valid one is that I simply cannot stay here if my purpose is to avoid or delay the eventuality. It would be a justification for running away from reality if I were to have that chance.

guys’ thoughts
I officially received the rejecting letter last week. It wasn’t a surprise for me as I’d already knew it. It’s just that it’s not official yet when it’s not official. You know what I mean? (–>to be pronounced the way Oz girls talking, he he). My sis and k were, as usual,  on the list of the first to know. k said, "Silly man (as if I were a bloke, ughhh). You can always live anywhere you want." Yup, may be that’s they way I should think. Decide first where I wanna live, then start to worry about what kind of job I can get there, whom I’m gonna marry there, etc. etc. You think so? Also last week, one of my bule friend asked me whether I’d already heard something from the company he knew I was applying to. So I said, "Erm yea, I finally got the letter." And he lightly responded in a split second, "O I got lots of them too (yea, yea, it’s easy for him to say that then as he’s already got a well-paying job). May be we should make a collection of those letters." It came to my surprise to hear him saying that, though. He indeed got those letters, I suppose, more than a few. Then I was thinking, how can an HR person/team or a future boss tell the different between an applicant who’s being genuinely good and those who are being used to tests and interviews and assessment centres as they’ve done it so… many times (so that they know what kind of assessment to expect) and end up with a rejecting letter? Does it mean that we have to get couple, if not lots, of those letters first before we’re eligible to be part of a company?

skipping reading
I chatted with k yesterday. I didn’t expect him to pick up the phone. I was just avoiding reading what I have to read, and so I did something, which was talking to someone. The minute I heard his voice, I called him loudly, hehehe… It really felt like home. His voice always feels like home to me that I sometimes wonder whether he’s wearing a daster like my mom at home. Wouldn’t it be funny?!?! Hahaha…can’t imagine. But that’s what I told him!! =) Yea, I miss him, my family, and my friends. To be precise, may be the one that I actually miss is the sense of security and comfort when being surrounded by people I know. We ended up talking about nothing, laughing at stupid things. But I like it, that’s not the normal type of conversation we would have with people we’ve just met, rite? We even cannot act (we tend not to be) silly in front of people that we only meet every now and then, can we? Yeah, that’s k =)

It’s been a while (again) I kinda "give up" writing. Sounds like a smoker who wanna give up smoking but everyday, can’t resist the temptation to think how nice it would be if he/she could light some cigs. Well, in my case, of course I wasn’t thinking about smoking!! Come on!! =) I was thinking about how nice it would be if I have enough time to write something, anything, everything… about life, friends, happenings, perfect strangers that I observe, etc. etc. But unfortunately, I don’t have that luxury which allows me to write as much as I read (or have been reading?!?!) during this semester, my last semester for this degree (wooo…sounds unimaginable, huh?!?!), or perhaps my last official semester in life (well, I don’t think of taking another course in the near future). And you know me well enough to realise that I always cannot stop writing as soon as I start it, he he…

Some of my friends asked me why I hadn’t written anything anymore here. Yea, I know…I’ve missed good moments to be freezed in a form of my expressions at that very moment. Last week, when I was looking for a card, I found the journal I wrote when I was in Jakarta. Strangely enough, I didn’t remember the details I wrote there, I didn’t remember I’ve ever experienced the things I was talking about there, and I didn’t even remember having ever written the story in such a detailed manner. And that’s a good thing…writing something in details since our days, or I should say my days, are not recorded the way movies are produced where you can always play your favourite movies again and again, despite the pervasiveness of surveillance cameras here. Hey, may be I can go to every company or institution that puts those cameras on, ask them for the scenes where I can be located easily, stick them together….and whoalla!!! I got an almost complete picture of my days here without having to write in details anymore, hehehe…you wish…

Anyway…before I go on and on and on…rambling on about this and that…I was only thinking to write about this little conversation I had with one of my friends from China, on the tram, on our way back home. In the last few years, I’ve come into conclusion that it’s not where you are that matters… but with whom you are. It’s been quite satisfying my curiousity about why most of the time, if not everytime, I’m at home, I feel like going out and doing something fun under the sun (well, may be it’s not a good idea to think about doing something fun under the sun in indo, too hot and humid and polluted). But why then when I’m finally outside, I can also, sometime, miss the comfort that I can only feel when I’m at home? Is it only me who’s being complicated? Guess not. I’ve heard this kind of stuffs from few other people too. So the answer should be…whenever you are, you need to be with the "right" persons. I mean…when you’re at home, you need to be with persons who are lively enough to be able to "replicate" (ughh…thanks to too much IBF this week that I now sound like a lecture note) the fun of being outside. And when you’re outside, you also need to be with persons whom you’re comfortable with to be able to sense the same comfort as you do at home.

But you know what I heard from my friend on the tram? She said, "It doesn’t matter where you live as long as you have a job." That’s true! I can’t imagine how I can live without having a job, which worries me so much at the moment. But what about my idea of the needs to be with the right persons? But…if I go further about what my friend said…isn’t it also true that where you work will, to some extent, determine who’s gonna be around you for at least one-third of your time in a day? So…which one are you after, primarily at least? Right persons or job?

This what the Horoscope section said:

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

The Bottom Line

A voice from the past will interrupt your day. It’s time you both got some closure.

In Detail

A voice from the past will interrupt an unusually placid day, most
likely in the early afternoon. You might not be prepared for the
conversation or email exchange, but it’s time you both got some
closure. Old issues are not relevant in your life anymore, so keep than
in mind when you reply. Let yourself let go of things that just aren’t
useful or healthy for you anymore. If they can’t do the same, that’s
not your problem. You must focus on moving on with your life.

Hmmm…whose voice is that coming from the past? Wooooo…sounds creepy, isn’t it? =)

It’s been ages I don’t write anything here. Yes…I’ve been spending most of my time reading, rather than writing. I guess the only time I write during these days is when I’m in class…and in the Bailieu library…and…yepp, that’s all…o no, hang on, I wrote something just now. I was filling in the Australian Bureau of Statistics Census Form. I got the form last Wednesday (Aug 9, 2006) and I was thinking of doing it later, if not at all, until yesterday Ary told me that we would get penalties of up to $100 a day if we didn’t return it by Aug 28, 2006. He he he…That’s interesting! Do we, in Indo, have such things like these? The fine things, I mean?? And besides…come to think of it, this whole-census-thing means that I will be counted as one of the residents in Australia as of Aug 8, 2006!! And they will publish the name-identified information after 99 years (meaning in 2105)!!! How cool is that?!?! May be someday one of my descendants would trace his/her family tree back to 2006 to find that his/her great great great gr… grandma has ever lived in Melbourne!! Hehehehehe… I wonder what the world looks like in 2105, as if it would still exist.

Then what have been going on? Loads of things… I wasn’t really having a holiday last month. I practically had no break at all. Well, I had a two-week period of doing nothing but working at the foodcourt on daytime, applying for a job on nightime, and catching up with friends in between (it’s more into coming to farewell parties, actually). Then I got my Semester 1 results on Jul 7, 2006…and immediately started the Winter semester on the next day, which was Saturday. I had 2 classes on Saturdays and another class on Sunday, and that’s it…heading for the exam and assignment due date. Trust me, I kept asking myself why I took that subject and let it ruin my last holiday here. But a part of me didn’t think that I deserved that break, considering what I got on Jul 7. I don’t think I was being too hard on myself, it’s just that it was too short to get myself relaxed.

Anyway…there are a lot of things I wanna write. But everyday, I was too lazy and busy and tired to start my lines because I know, as soon as I start it, I can go on and on and on…like now… I enjoy writing more than reading, ermm…may be I’m now able to say that I kinda love reading too. Ok, ok, I was about to write why I’m suddenly posting something here after not being in "A Getaway" zone for a while…then I wander here and there, starting to explain how I enjoy writing, bla bla bla… See…now you know why I’ve avoided this zone, hahahahaha… Ok, back to the business… I was deeply uncomfortable with everything (literally everything) last night until I fell asleep zzzZZ… I was out almost the whole day today. Then when I got home, I checked my uni mailbox. My friend told me this morning that she got an email from uni informing that there had been an amendment to our results. I haven’t checked my mail since last Friday. And I was e x t r e m e l y happy and grateful for what I saw. They’ve amended my grade up, farrr…up! I hope they don’t change their mind tomorrow, he he he…

I instantly told my sis, my mom, and my k that I couldn’t stop smilling and jumping. Yes, I took me a while to believe it. K kept on saying, "You are the man." And I kept on replying, "I am the WOMAN." And he said, "That never happened to me." And I was suddenly reminded of the "this never happened to me before" moment of the Lake House that I’ve been thinking about since Phina gave me the song. More on this later… For now, let me say that I had the "never happened to me before" moment today, though in a different area of my life. And I’m gonna have a gud nite sleep…

   

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1. your life and everything you own or acquire should be able to be summarised into a single word
2. you cannot be everyone’s someone and you don’t have to be
3. there are only a few people who are close enough to know your vulnerability, yet at the same time, casual enough to finger your mistakes without being afraid of losing you

Oh well, where shud I start? Been
quite a while I didn’t write a "proper" post, despite the whining and
moaning rituals about assignments and exams. The gud news is…I’ve already
finished all my exams last Friday (not yesterday’s Friday). Bunch of thanks to all that have prayed for
me during my exam! I finished a week earlier than many others, a week earlier
than the end of the "official" exam period. Yay!!! Like I said
before, this semester’s exam schedule was pretty gud to me. Meaning… I
can start writing about anything I wanna say without anymore considering the
word limit (yea, I’ve always found it quite annoying), the structure of my
"essay", and whether my writing’s making any sense or not the way I
was bothered with throughout the last semester. I don’t have to have the
introduction-body- conclusion thing here like I had in my IELTS tests and the
Strategic Management exam. I don’t have to worry about how people understand
what I’m saying. I just write on…simply write… How nice… =)

Now is the bad news…I’ll be having another class starting in about 2 weeks.
WHAT?!?! Yepp, yepp, there’ll be 3 full-day classes on Saturdays and Sunday.
And then…I’m having the final exam on the next Saturday after the last class
which, "accidentally", will be the last Saturday before Semester 2
begins! Whoalla!! So basically I dunno what I’m going to do with the 3 weeks available
between last Friday and the first day of the winter semester. I am relieved
that the exams are all over. I know that my results this time will be
not-too-bad-but-not-that-good either. But I don’t really care about it - let’s
see what I’m gonna say on July 7 =p It’s over anyway, nothing I can do to
change that. But I do have something else in mind. And that has made me unable
to have a nice revenge-sleep for nights. I did wake up in the middle of my
sleeps or early, really early, in the morning, in addition to the hard time I
had to get myself asleep beforehand. Hey, relax…I’m not in huge debt. It’s
not because of a guy or the guy either - sorry to disappoint you guys, haven’t got any good news in that department =) Nor it
is because of the clothes and bags and shoes and everything that are on sale
right now (^^)

It is because I start to think about what kind of job I’m having after this
whole holiday-and-studying things. Where shud I apply to? Well, I know where I
wanna apply to…but will I get job that I want? Will I get the job that I like
the way I was enthusiastic about my old job in the last few months before I
left? And the scariest thing that have been keeping me awake is that my resume
will sink below the other applicants’ before I even have a chance to do the
test or interviews - that will be the most unfair thing I can think of at this
stage. You know those kinds of "what if" things that come one after
the other, rite? And that makes me feel that now is not really a holiday for
me.

Am I being worried too much? This week I met some of my friends who have
just had their last semester here. They haven’t applied for any job yet and
they haven’t even thought much about it. I realize that some people are gifted
with the luxury of not having to think about job-hunting thing after their
graduation. That’s their business, I have nothing to do with that. Yet it is the luxury of being able to feel
satisfied and enjoying the doing-nothing-while-slowly-looking-for-a-job period
that I’m envy of those people. I can’t stand the thought of having nothing to
do. I just can’t. Especially when I really want the job like I feel right now.

I’ve been conditioned to be afraid of wanting something since I started working
- that was like…4 years ago or so. Afraid of not getting what I want to achieve.
Before, I used to believe that I can get anything, I can be anyone, if I want
it hard enough. I remember my dad used to say to me that I wanted to do so many
things at the same time that I became so busy, too… busy. And I more than
often tried to explain to him that those wants that would make a difference,
those wants that would translate into a success (at least success in achieving
what I wanna achieve, regardless people call it a success or not). Yet I’ve
been afraid to want something, to hope for something since I start to learn
through various occassion that wants are simply not enough. Wants have been failing
me here and there, every now and then. I consequently tend to choose the
"safe" way, i.e. not wanting anything, at least not wanting anything
so bad that they are powerful enough to hurt me. A complete coward I’ve been, I
guess… Until last week, when I found that job ads in one of the distractions
during study time. I suddenly said to myself, "This is it." I’ve
found my passion again, though now at a greater level of cautiousness. Or can I
say a greater level of wisdom as part of being a grown-up? - the difference is unclear, if there is any…

The latter may somewhat be true. I really want the job and as far as I can think
of, I don’t see anything wrong with my wants neither with the job.
Unless…unless God has another plan for me, a better one. One thing that I’ve
been trying to tell myself to overcome my anxiety is that how He has taken care
of me until now.

Who has awarded me the scholarship when I was alarmed that
some of our roles at work would someday be outsourced to India? I was indeed worried about
that in late 2003-early 2004, more worried than my colleagues who had already
had a family. Hey, who knew at that time that in the year after we’re having the new CFO who "understood" my works better than the previous one?! And in fact, my anxiety turned out to
be true; they shifted some of the workload to India last year.

Who has given me
my first part-time job here when I went bankrupt =) after the trip to Sydney and Canberra? I didn’t give my resume to the Thai resto I ever worked for. Even though it was a tough experience (really though that during my first weeks there, I always prayed everytime I was walking approaching the resto, prayed so that I didn’t get scolded that night, so scaryyy… ;p), I learned a lot!!!

And who has made
the way to my current part-time job when I was about to quit from the resto and
started to be overconcerned about my expenditures, the tram ticket price and
the rent increase? I, again, didn’t apply for that job. I’ve never even updated
my resume until few days ago. So, you know the answer…

Tomorrow’s gonna be my last exam for this semester. And I’ve been lazy since yesterday… The exam will be in the afternoon. You know what always happens with the last exam, rite? I’m more than tempted to think about what I’m gonna do after exam. So much to do!! Nothing’s really exciting except catching up with friends, I guess. Everyone told me to call him/her and arrange to meet up after my exam finished. That would be fun, especially considering that I may end up staying in Melb for the whole winter break. Yea, that’s because I am "forced" to take a winter semester.

I’m still studying at the moment. Well, I’m kinda at the "reviewing" stage actually. And it feels weird!!! I’ve just realised that I’ve never finished studying all the materials for exam, i.e. I’ve always ended up rushing through the last chapters until the very last minutes. It’s been forever (as ar as I remember) in my school days. Until now. That’s bcoz my exam timetable for this semester is quite generous, hehehehehe… I’ll be finishing all exams a week earlier!!

I’m not saying that I’m ready for tomorrow. I, in fact, still got few things to read. That’s the thing!!! I don’t feel like re-reading what I’ve learned since Sunday. But I cannot say that I’m ready either. Hmmm…

Okkie dokkie…back to my papers…before I fall asleep…

Tomorrow is the day…
Can’t stop it from coming,
nor run fast enough to leap the hollow

People say, "Feel the fear and do it anyway."
Yet perhaps in my case, it’s better being (or at least pretending to be) numb. Just keep thinking and move on!
And praying, for sure!!!