A Getaway

1. your life and everything you own or acquire should be able to be summarised into a single word
2. you cannot be everyone’s someone and you don’t have to be
3. there are only a few people who are close enough to know your vulnerability, yet at the same time, casual enough to finger your mistakes without being afraid of losing you

Oh well, where shud I start? Been
quite a while I didn’t write a "proper" post, despite the whining and
moaning rituals about assignments and exams. The gud news is…I’ve already
finished all my exams last Friday (not yesterday’s Friday). Bunch of thanks to all that have prayed for
me during my exam! I finished a week earlier than many others, a week earlier
than the end of the "official" exam period. Yay!!! Like I said
before, this semester’s exam schedule was pretty gud to me. Meaning… I
can start writing about anything I wanna say without anymore considering the
word limit (yea, I’ve always found it quite annoying), the structure of my
"essay", and whether my writing’s making any sense or not the way I
was bothered with throughout the last semester. I don’t have to have the
introduction-body- conclusion thing here like I had in my IELTS tests and the
Strategic Management exam. I don’t have to worry about how people understand
what I’m saying. I just write on…simply write… How nice… =)

Now is the bad news…I’ll be having another class starting in about 2 weeks.
WHAT?!?! Yepp, yepp, there’ll be 3 full-day classes on Saturdays and Sunday.
And then…I’m having the final exam on the next Saturday after the last class
which, "accidentally", will be the last Saturday before Semester 2
begins! Whoalla!! So basically I dunno what I’m going to do with the 3 weeks available
between last Friday and the first day of the winter semester. I am relieved
that the exams are all over. I know that my results this time will be
not-too-bad-but-not-that-good either. But I don’t really care about it - let’s
see what I’m gonna say on July 7 =p It’s over anyway, nothing I can do to
change that. But I do have something else in mind. And that has made me unable
to have a nice revenge-sleep for nights. I did wake up in the middle of my
sleeps or early, really early, in the morning, in addition to the hard time I
had to get myself asleep beforehand. Hey, relax…I’m not in huge debt. It’s
not because of a guy or the guy either - sorry to disappoint you guys, haven’t got any good news in that department =) Nor it
is because of the clothes and bags and shoes and everything that are on sale
right now (^^)

It is because I start to think about what kind of job I’m having after this
whole holiday-and-studying things. Where shud I apply to? Well, I know where I
wanna apply to…but will I get job that I want? Will I get the job that I like
the way I was enthusiastic about my old job in the last few months before I
left? And the scariest thing that have been keeping me awake is that my resume
will sink below the other applicants’ before I even have a chance to do the
test or interviews - that will be the most unfair thing I can think of at this
stage. You know those kinds of "what if" things that come one after
the other, rite? And that makes me feel that now is not really a holiday for
me.

Am I being worried too much? This week I met some of my friends who have
just had their last semester here. They haven’t applied for any job yet and
they haven’t even thought much about it. I realize that some people are gifted
with the luxury of not having to think about job-hunting thing after their
graduation. That’s their business, I have nothing to do with that. Yet it is the luxury of being able to feel
satisfied and enjoying the doing-nothing-while-slowly-looking-for-a-job period
that I’m envy of those people. I can’t stand the thought of having nothing to
do. I just can’t. Especially when I really want the job like I feel right now.

I’ve been conditioned to be afraid of wanting something since I started working
- that was like…4 years ago or so. Afraid of not getting what I want to achieve.
Before, I used to believe that I can get anything, I can be anyone, if I want
it hard enough. I remember my dad used to say to me that I wanted to do so many
things at the same time that I became so busy, too… busy. And I more than
often tried to explain to him that those wants that would make a difference,
those wants that would translate into a success (at least success in achieving
what I wanna achieve, regardless people call it a success or not). Yet I’ve
been afraid to want something, to hope for something since I start to learn
through various occassion that wants are simply not enough. Wants have been failing
me here and there, every now and then. I consequently tend to choose the
"safe" way, i.e. not wanting anything, at least not wanting anything
so bad that they are powerful enough to hurt me. A complete coward I’ve been, I
guess… Until last week, when I found that job ads in one of the distractions
during study time. I suddenly said to myself, "This is it." I’ve
found my passion again, though now at a greater level of cautiousness. Or can I
say a greater level of wisdom as part of being a grown-up? - the difference is unclear, if there is any…

The latter may somewhat be true. I really want the job and as far as I can think
of, I don’t see anything wrong with my wants neither with the job.
Unless…unless God has another plan for me, a better one. One thing that I’ve
been trying to tell myself to overcome my anxiety is that how He has taken care
of me until now.

Who has awarded me the scholarship when I was alarmed that
some of our roles at work would someday be outsourced to India? I was indeed worried about
that in late 2003-early 2004, more worried than my colleagues who had already
had a family. Hey, who knew at that time that in the year after we’re having the new CFO who "understood" my works better than the previous one?! And in fact, my anxiety turned out to
be true; they shifted some of the workload to India last year.

Who has given me
my first part-time job here when I went bankrupt =) after the trip to Sydney and Canberra? I didn’t give my resume to the Thai resto I ever worked for. Even though it was a tough experience (really though that during my first weeks there, I always prayed everytime I was walking approaching the resto, prayed so that I didn’t get scolded that night, so scaryyy… ;p), I learned a lot!!!

And who has made
the way to my current part-time job when I was about to quit from the resto and
started to be overconcerned about my expenditures, the tram ticket price and
the rent increase? I, again, didn’t apply for that job. I’ve never even updated
my resume until few days ago. So, you know the answer…

Tomorrow’s gonna be my last exam for this semester. And I’ve been lazy since yesterday… The exam will be in the afternoon. You know what always happens with the last exam, rite? I’m more than tempted to think about what I’m gonna do after exam. So much to do!! Nothing’s really exciting except catching up with friends, I guess. Everyone told me to call him/her and arrange to meet up after my exam finished. That would be fun, especially considering that I may end up staying in Melb for the whole winter break. Yea, that’s because I am "forced" to take a winter semester.

I’m still studying at the moment. Well, I’m kinda at the "reviewing" stage actually. And it feels weird!!! I’ve just realised that I’ve never finished studying all the materials for exam, i.e. I’ve always ended up rushing through the last chapters until the very last minutes. It’s been forever (as ar as I remember) in my school days. Until now. That’s bcoz my exam timetable for this semester is quite generous, hehehehehe… I’ll be finishing all exams a week earlier!!

I’m not saying that I’m ready for tomorrow. I, in fact, still got few things to read. That’s the thing!!! I don’t feel like re-reading what I’ve learned since Sunday. But I cannot say that I’m ready either. Hmmm…

Okkie dokkie…back to my papers…before I fall asleep…

Tomorrow is the day…
Can’t stop it from coming,
nor run fast enough to leap the hollow

People say, "Feel the fear and do it anyway."
Yet perhaps in my case, it’s better being (or at least pretending to be) numb. Just keep thinking and move on!
And praying, for sure!!!