INCOMPLETE
Have you ever wanted to talk to someone(s) so… bad but dunno how to reach him/her as he/she’s so ‘far’ away? Well, I know exactly how terrible it is. I ended up feeling uncomfortably bloated as I’d kept on chewing something, anything handy actually, to fill in the hole. I think meals are not only for loading up an empty stomach, but also for filling up the emptiness in some way or the other.
Last night when I was about to sleep, I tried to figure out how many days have lapse since I had my last exam. I’ve been thinking about it for few days, actually, partly because of the talk I had with my mom and my k. They, and my sis (in her mails), had kept on asking me what I’d been doing during my holiday. Pretty much nothing. Really nothing, in fact. I’ve kept myself busy everyday to keep me alive, and because I’ve chosen to -I’ve decided to move on when I said that I wanted to be happy on my own. I’ve been conditioned not to look back. And since that moment, I’ve been perceiving things differently…I’ve been living my days as if it were my last day. But may be I’ve tried it so hard that my daily routines become so mundane -staying up late, getting up late, doing this and that until it’s time to work- that my shift is the only thing that I ‘look forward to’ but also that has restricted me from doing what I wanna do. Christmas is coming, I’ve seen so many customers celebrating the event since really early Dec with pressie and extravagant dinner, but I feel entrapped in my own cycle. I used to be quite active in church when I was still in high school and undergrad. A month or two months before Christmas always excited me, especially the choir practice. Yet now, I’m not sure whether this Christmas is gonna be merry or not. I somehow cannot be selfpitying anymore, but when I have a fleeting break from the sprint, I sense there’s incompleteness.
When I was still living in my parents’, as far as I can remember, I never felt lacking of something. I never spent my time like dwelling upon something that I didn’t even know. I got lots of love and comfort that sometimes I fed up with the abundance. Everything was so predictable (’low risk’ is the term I find very often these days ;p). All I had to do was to think about my study. I was secure. I knew nothing about uneasiness. May be I was really fulfilled that time. Or may be I just never had a chance (or was too naive) to think about life. I thought all the miseries would vanish as I graduated from uni - the way I think of marriage now. So silly…so fairy-tally… =) Oh well, for the moment, I couldn’t agree more that no man is an island, and what I’ve gone through so far reveals that men are meant to be couple. The question is…am I ready?
-rambling in the middle of the night with some jazzy christmas tunes which are extremely remarkable -
